Entitlement

02.07.24

Hello, you lovely people! Welcome to my thoughts. Today, let’s conduct a light-hearted examination of a topic that many will have you believe is on the rise – entitlement.

You know what I’m talking about, that nagging little voice inside that often goes, “I deserve this!” or “Why don’t I have that yet?” You know the one. We all have it to some degree, and if you think you don’t, maybe listen closer… Often I catch myself contending with these thoughts in seemingly straightforward, everyday situations. Demanding things go my way, how I want them to, unopposed. When in reality, sometimes getting exactly what we want is rarely good for us. It leaves us unchallenged, not improving, or, even worse, coasting.

Imagine the scene: Gary waiting in Bridgwater Costa for his regular black Americano to go. The person in front of me wants a low-fat, no-foam, extra-hot, caramel macchiato with a sprinkle of cinnamon, served in a pumpkin-shaped mug. They believe they deserve it because, well, they showed up, didn’t they? Meanwhile, I’m wishing I’d brought my latest Dostoyevsky with me to pass the time. I begin feeling ‘uppity’! Who’s this clown? I am now in the realm of DEMANDING.

Albert Ellis, the brilliant psychologist known for his wit and wisdom, once said:

“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.”

This quote perfectly captures the essence of entitlement: it’s often about blaming others for not fulfilling our demands.

Let’s have a laugh at our own expense for a moment. Remember that time you were going round and round the multi-storey car park in the Sovereign Centre in Weston-super-Mare on a hot summer’s day with no working aircon (too accurate Gary) and didn’t get the last parking spot as someone beat you to it just as you entered that row? “But I deserve it!” I wail, even though there were 100 other cars vying for the same spot. Or how about when Netflix removed that old series you wanted to rewatch for the third time? “How could they do this to me?” you wondered, as if the streaming gods had a personal vendetta against your binge-watching plans.

The thing about entitlement is that it’s a surefire way to unhappiness. As Ellis wisely noted, demanding that life give us exactly what we want, when we want it, leads to nothing but frustration and discontent. He famously said:

“The more you insist on having everything your way, the less you will get.”

These are light-hearted examples. However, if I can get in a pickle about a coffee or a parking space, what happens if I am unconsciously applying similar demands in larger, perhaps more significant aspects of my life – such as friendships, romantic entanglements (off the market thankfully, minefield avoided, cheers Mrs. P), or things such as my career? This could lead to, unbeknownst to us, unrealistic expectations resulting in a continued sense of dissatisfaction, despite our solid situations and achievements (see – I must be the richest/fittest/have the most academically gifted children scripts). See how this stuff gets out of hand?!

So, what’s the remedy for this entitlement epidemic? Well, noticing it might be easier after reading this, coupled with a dose of reality and a sprinkle of humour. Next time you find yourself demanding the universe cater to your every whim, take a step back and laugh. Recognise that life doesn’t owe us anything, and that’s perfectly fine. We can now work towards our goals and desires without the weight of entitlement dragging us down.

But here's the kick in the pants—sometimes, we don’t even realise how entitled our thinking has become. That’s where counselling can be incredibly beneficial. A good counsellor (wink) helps you notice those sneaky entitlement thoughts and how they might be affecting your life. They can guide you in understanding where these thoughts come from and how to shift your mindset. By working through these patterns, you can start to replace entitlement with gratitude or more realistic expectations.

In the end, letting go of entitlement isn’t about settling for less. It’s about appreciating what we have and understanding that life’s little quirks and twists are what make it interesting. So, next time you’re stuck behind the person ordering the most complicated coffee known to humankind, take a deep breath, chuckle to yourself, and remember Ellis’s wisdom. Life is too short to waste on demands and disappointments—embrace the chaos, and find joy in the unexpected.

P.S. - Thanks for clicking on the link and reading, and remember: we may not always get what we want, but with the right mindset (and perhaps a bit of therapeutic insight), we can always find something to laugh about, even if it is often ourselves. Happy Days!