“Who You Gonna Call? Ghosting, Therapy, and the aftermath”

31.10.24

A Dive into the Spooky World of Ghosting Your Therapist (and Yourself)

In the spirit of Halloween, it’s time to tackle a phenomenon that haunts therapists and clients alike: ghosting! No it’s not just the domain of those rejected during online dating, ghosting is everywhere! A real life modern-day horror, a digital disappearing act where folks simply vanish from communication with no warning, no goodbye, and sometimes, no trace left behind - calls, texts and emails simply ignored. It’s the kind of ghost story that doesn’t take place in a haunted house but rather in the minds (and inboxes) of both clients and therapists.

Before you think, "Ah, get over it, what’s the harm in a bit of ghosting?", let’s take a closer look at what’s happening here. In this piece, I’ll explore the reasons people ghost, why ghosting your therapist (*Hi!) might not be the best choice for your mental health, and what ghosting can mean for the one left waiting on the other end (spoiler: *waves*, that’s me!)

What Exactly Is Ghosting, and Why Does It Happen?

Ghosting is when someone abruptly ceases all communication, disappearing without explanation. Whether it’s ending a budding romance, a friendship, or, yes, a relationship with a therapist, ghosting involves disappearing into the mist of unread messages and missed appointments.

Now, ghosting a therapist may seem harmless at first—after all, it’s just a service, right? You might feel like your therapist will surely have other clients to attend to. And yeah, we do. But therapy, unlike, say, a delivery service, is deeply rooted in relationships, trust, and commitment. When you ghost a therapist, it’s not just a slot that goes empty; it’s a break in the therapeutic journey, a halt in the momentum built together.

And yet, and I get it, the impulse to ghost can be strong, usually fuelled by one of these understandable reasons:

1. Avoiding Uncomfortable Conversations: Maybe the sessions were hitting too close to home - you didn’t feel ready to confront certain issues. It’s only natural to want to avoid stuff when things get intense.
2. Fear of Disappointing Your Therapist: Clients sometimes worry that their progress (or lack thereof) might disappoint their therapist (I have done). Rather than facing that feeling, ghosting feels like a quicker, less painful escape.
3. Overwhelm or Life Changes: Life gets busy, stressful, or overwhelming, and therapy falls by the wayside. When this happens, some clients may feel that simply ghosting is easier than trying to explain everything.
4. Financial or Scheduling Conflicts: Sometimes practical issues arise, and if there’s any embarrassment or guilt tied to bringing it up, the idea of just slipping out the back door can feel like the “easy” option.
5. Thinking It’s Just Time to Move On: Some clients feel they’ve reached the end of what they wanted to explore in therapy, and instead of discussing this, they ghost.

While ghosting may feel like a quick fix, it often leaves the “ghoster” dealing with lingering issues that haven’t quite been put to rest. The ghost (pun absolutely intended) of unresolved thoughts and feelings has a habit of coming back to haunt us.

Why Ghosting Isn’t Great for Your Mental Health

When you ghost your therapist, there’s a strong possibility you’re leaving behind unfinished business. Therapy is often compared to emotional spring cleaning, and ghosting is like shutting the door on a room halfway through the job. Eventually, the dust, dirt, and emotional cobwebs are going to build up and make their presence known.

Here's why ghosting might actually do more harm than good for your mental health:

1. Avoidance often increases Anxiety

Avoiding uncomfortable emotions might give temporary relief, but it tends to lead to increased anxiety in the long run. By ghosting, you’re sending yourself the message or re-enforcing the idea that some emotions or conversations are “too much” to handle, or that you just can't do that stuff. Each time you do this, it strengthens the belief that these things are, indeed, intolerable. This avoidance can trickle into other relationships and areas of life, creating a cycle of anxiety and avoidance.

2. Self-Worth and Commitment

Making a commitment to therapy is, at its heart, an act of self-respect and dedication to your own wellbeing. Ghosting can make you feel that you’ve broken that commitment, which could leave a subtle imprint on your self-esteem. The act of turning up for therapy—even when it’s hard—reinforces the belief that you’re worth the effort.

3. Emotional Unpacking

Therapy often involves opening doors to thoughts and feelings that might be better processed rather than simply shut down. Ghosting can leave these issues half-explored, meaning you’re left holding that emotional baggage with no clear way forward.

4. Leaving Unanswered Questions

After ghosting, you might find yourself wondering, “What would have happened if I’d stayed?” or “Was there more I needed to learn?” Even if you felt therapy wasn’t working as expected, a simple goodbye conversation can give closure and clarify what you need in the future - as well as making it more likely you return, especially if it is just a case of bad timing.

How Ghosting Affects Therapists (or anyone you no show - Hairdressers, Beauticians, GP's, Financial Advisors etc etc...)

Therapists are very accustomed to people not returning, whether it’s a matter of moving on or needing a break. Personally it happens infrequently enough to bother me, however when it does, it always feels like the person has missed an opportunity akin to an open goal, of doing endings (so often negative in life), well. However, we are human and ghosting has a unique effect on us, even after discussing it with our Supervisor or Peers.

Firstly, therapists are deeply invested in their clients. We’re listening, processing, and piecing together insights to help support change. Ghosting leaves therapists wondering about your well-being. Did something happen? Did they miss a critical signal? Are you alright?! They’ve dedicated hours to knowing you, after all, and care about your progress.

Secondly, therapists often reflect on how they can improve their practice, so a sudden ghosting might lead to self-doubt. This isn’t to guilt anyone; it’s simply a reminder that therapists are humans who, though trained to manage boundaries, are still impacted by relationships with clients.

Contrary to popular belief, most therapists aren’t totally raking in it financially!  Often, especially those of us renting rooms by the hour, (*waves some more*!!!) when you no show, it kicks us in the pants financially – it also deprives those we have on waiting lists of an actual slot that may be hard to come by, such as popular evening appointments, which can be SUPER frustrating - that person could be making good use of our skills.

Lastly, for therapists, ghosting disrupts the trust or respect that therapy is built on. Effective therapy thrives on open communication, even when saying, “I think we're done here.” Having to consider asking for payment upfront can feel a bit icky for some, although I know some folk who do as a deterrent - personally I think not returning and enjoying my outstanding puns is punishment enough!!!

The Answer - Some Respectful Alternatives to Ghosting

Alright, maybe you’re convinced that ghosting might not be the best way forward, but you’re still unsure how to approach the old Adios Amigo! Here are some ideas:

1. The Simple Goodbye Message

Just saying, “Thanks for your time, but I’ve decided to take a break,” is enough. No need to over-explain or justify if you’re not comfortable doing so. This kind of message respects the time and energy both you and your therapist have invested.

2. The “I Need a Break” Conversation

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed by therapy or to want some space to process things alone. Letting your therapist know you need a break means you’re acknowledging the work you’ve done and leaving the door open for potential return.

3. An Honest Check-In

If you’re feeling like therapy isn’t working as expected, try discussing it. Therapists appreciate honest feedback, and sometimes, it’s simply a matter of adjusting the approach to make therapy more effective. We might even recommend a colleague we think could be a good fit.

4. Closure Session

Consider a final session to wrap things up, express any final thoughts, and reflect on progress. This is like a farewell party for the therapeutic journey, providing a natural end and letting you leave with closure.

Embracing the Spirit of Non-Ghosting

So, instead of vanishing next time the going gets uncomfortable, use it as an opportunity to face those things that scare us a little—commitment, honesty, self-reflection.

Therapy is a space for these very acts of bravery, where you can navigate life’s trickier paths without vanishing into the mist.

And remember, even if you have ghosted your therapist before, it’s never too late to reconnect. Most good horror stories often come with a twist!

It may not be easy to break the habit of ghosting, but therapy can help you uncover what’s behind the impulse and how to create better “exit plans” in relationships, in therapy, and in life.

So, this Halloween, let’s turn the ghost story around. If you’re considering slipping away from your therapist, maybe just send them a message instead. Face those fears, acknowledge the ghosts in the room, and remember: you’re worth sticking around for!

"We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass!"

Dr. Peter Venkman